Official Valentine's Guide 2014

With Valentine's day upcoming, I thought it'd be nice of me to impart wisdom upon you all and give you a month to properly study it. Obviously everybody wants their evenings  to go as planned, and I'm here to provide a guideline for that. So everybody get a date, and be ready to follow my lead. Set your phasers to love and let's begin.

Official Valentine's Guide 2014:

When the day comes, arrive early  to pick up your date. Like, really damn early. Park outside of their house at least 5 hours before you're scheduled to them pick up. You want them to know how eager you are. If they see you, which they almost definitely will, slouch down in your seat so you are no longer in view. Pop up with a surprised face every few minutes. Taa-daa, you are now participating in the world's most adorable game of peek-a-boo. This will be something you'll want to tell your future grandkids.

Those 5 or so hours are sure to fly by, and your date will soon be in your vehicle. Don't waste any time, immediately compliment her. But don't go for the clichés like "you look so pretty." Yawn. Girls pay lots of attention to minor details so be sure to touch on something that will pleasantly surprise her. Example; "Fuck, your calves look at least 40% more toned than usual. Remind me to take a picture of them later for my scrapbook. My scrapbook of defined calves." This is sure to showcase how attentive you are to every aspect of her being. She'll be left wondering how you'll possibly top that with the remainder of the evening. But you have many tricks up your sleeve. Some figurative, and some literal. Make sure to have big sleeves.

When you arrive at the restaurant, start by immediately ordering an appetizer. Doesn't matter what it is, as long as you make sure it's salad. Ask her what she would like, and when she tells you what she wants, order her the salad. You don't have time for her "mind-games." When it arrives, quickly  turn the first course into an eating competition. Shout "GO!" and eat that salad as fast as you can. Tell her that you can feel the nutrients strengthening you as you Hoover in the salad, and this only enables you to eat faster as you consume more. She'll have to keep up or taste defeat. You'll soon realize that the salad will have trouble going down the hatchet after a while. You'll need something to ease the process, like salad dressing. Pull a full bottle of salad dressing out of your sleeve and begin using it as chase for the leafy greens. It is at this point that she'll appear sick and dart for the bathroom. Don't be fooled though. She's making room for more salad. Finish it off and prepare for the rest of the evening.

When she returns, it will benefit you to set a mood with your linguistic prowess. Try setting a tone for the evening by talking about something that people associate with love. Like a beach. Everyone knows that beaches are known for relaxation and romanticism. Try to subtly invoke images of a beach in conversation. Example; "When I woke up this morning covered in cracker crumbs, it was like I was rolling amongst the sand on a beautiful beach. Like, there were so many crumbs. I needed a vacuum to remove all of the crumbs. Some of it may have been sand too, I don't really know. Fuck I need to do laundry." Can you imagine the effect this has on your potential mate? They are sent off to a Caribbean beach thanks to your words. If you keep this up, you may not have to eat crackers in your bed every night. This is what setting a tone does for you. It saves you money on crackers.

After conversation slows to a halt, look in her eyes. What do you see? You should see a woman left in amazement of how well the evening is going. She'll be speechless. The silence will intensify until you pull out a second bottle of salad dressing from your sleeve. Politely ask her if she would like to partake in sharing that dressing with you "Lady-and-the-Tramp style."  If all goes as planned she should utter these key words; "Take. Me. Home." Score. Look who's getting laid.

Allow her to enter the passenger seat of the vehicle, then proceed to stand outside for about 5 minutes. Don't use a watch to tell time, try using the relative position of the sun in the sky to approximate how long you've been waiting. When you feel it's appropriate, enter the vehicle with a charming laugh and say; "Good things come to those who wait!" She waited. And bam, there you are. A good thing. Heck, go ahead and call yourself a great thing. Out loud. Because confidence is key. But you need to drive back to her place to end the evening in style, and confidence is not the key that will start your vehicle. Pull the actual key out of your sleeves and stick that baby in the ignition. You're off. Be sure to purr like a cat the entire ride back to her place.

The rest of the night is up to you. I don't remember much after that because I woke up on her front lawn with a broken golf club beside me and a welt on my head the size of an avocado. Must've been a wild night.

Anyways, I hope this leaves you with enough to successfully navigate your valentine's adventure. After all, love is in the air. Love is the air. Breath love and you'll become it. Love the love that comes from above. "When push comes to shove, nothing feels better than feeling the love."- That's So Raven.

"You'll be in my heart..."- Phil Collins.

Public Speaking and You

Let's get this out in the open right away. This guide is not for the weak. The sole purpose is to turn those of you who are not confident with presentations, into those who will try to make their ENTIRE LIFE a presentation. You will live for it. What makes me qualified to write this? Simply put; moxie and gusto. Without further ado, here are the keys to success in the field of presenting.

Swallow many large mints about an hour before the presentation is scheduled to begin. This will enlarge the throat and make room for more words to come out. Bigger words. Words like 'idiosyncratic'. The less people understand you, the more they will want to understand you. In addition to the large throat, the mints will provide an aroma that will please the stingiest of nostrils if you should choose to burp or fart during your presentation.

Kick someone out of the room almost immediately. Anyone. See a face and get that face out. You need to set the tone for the presentation. You are the big boss-man in the room and people must respect that. Instill fear. When they are walking towards the exit, chase them out. It doesn't hurt your case if you froth at the mouth while doing so. After the presentation, find them for a brief apology. Explain to them that it's not your fault that they need a little more 'alone time with God' to 'repent for their sins'.

Act on raw animal instinct. We were all monkeys or deer or sheep at one point in time, and people strongly identify with behaviors performed by our animal counterparts. At least 40% of the population would gladly become a bear if the opportunity arose*. Incorporate these facts into your presentation and use them to guide the audience to your point. For example; if you would like the audience to see that your ideas are 'taking flight', run up and down any accessible aisles or stairs while spreading your arms and incessantly flapping.  See the bird, be the bird.

* no citation available

Utilize a power phrase. You need to get the people going. Rile them up. I found that saying a certain memorable phrase repeatedly gets the motor running like no other. My strategy? I pepper in the phrase "amirite?!" after almost every point I make. Say it once, twice, heck... say it three times to thoroughly drive a point home. People will not focus on proving you wrong at this point, you are confident that you can lead a crowd to agree with your ideas. That, more than facts, is the key to success. Amirite?!

Make history your bitch. As the old saying goes; "history is written by the winners." With this in mind, feel free to fabricate events that happened in the past to conform to your presentation. For example; "Abraham Lincoln loved that he could make studio quality music right on his iPad." He did, right? You can say stuff like that. Why? Because you are a winner. You control history. (Be sure to give the audience the appropriate utensils because they will eat this up)

Make your presentation the longest it can possibly be. This is really quite simple. You know how someone will go to a 3 hour movie and say to friend afterwards "wow, that movie I saw was 3 hours long!" And then their friend will say "wow, 3 hours!' Yeah. Because it's impressive. If anyone tries to leave early, get them to stay by focusing on hot-button issues. For example; "Sir, why are you leaving? Hmm? Your kids are hungry? Well guess what. So are pandas*. And pandas are almost extinct."

*pandas are the hot-button issue in this situation

Additional tips. Wear a sweater with a cat on the front. Legally change your name at least 4 times during the presentation.

With all of this in mind, you are ready to speak to the masses. Good luck. Amirite?!

Formal Resignation for Wendy's Restaurant

Hey,

I know I've informally done this approximately 23000 times, but this time it's real. It is with some disappointment that I submit to you my resignation. This is my two week's notice.

It's time for a change I guess. Time for me to explore other options. Not necessarily any better or brighter at the moment, but different nonetheless. After 3 and a half years of employment, it's time for me to spread my wings, put my best foot forward, and then swim through the sea of potential employment. Or, if I wanted to, I could actually just sit in a field all day. And while I sit there I could dig through the snow and uncover the grass, long dead from the cold. Using my residual body heat, I could try and bring it back to life. Not saying I will pursue that option, but it's there.

It's just that lately; things have soured, like a lemon. But not in a good way, like a good lemon. I think I had a good thing going for a while. Both open shifts on the weekend worked for me. My weekend shifts were special. Collectively, they were like a child to me. Now my child has been cut in half , with half being taken out of my custody. Do you know how to be a parent to half of a child? I do not. I am not half of a parent. Please do not ever cut me in half.

But in my leaving, let's remember the good times. Which were... there. I'm sure. I started a fryer-fire once, which was pretty cool albeit scary and dangerous. To this day I still claim to be a volunteer firefighter. I got to feel the raw power and prowess of the extinguisher in action. I wouldn't have had that opportunity if not for Wendy's restaurant. So I'll remember the good. And the people who made my time of employment at Wendy's restaurant enjoyable.

I can work whatever shifts I get on the next schedule. That is assuming any are given to me. Much thank-you's.

P.S.- I am still very much in favor of company shorts.

P.P.S.- If  that idea ever takes flight, I assume 100% of the credit.

P.P.P.S.- Let my leg-acy live on (Get it? Because you'd see a whole lot more leg if we had shorts)

Yours truly,

JoshuaVan Schie  

Jorsh