Official Valentine's Guide 2014

With Valentine's day upcoming, I thought it'd be nice of me to impart wisdom upon you all and give you a month to properly study it. Obviously everybody wants their evenings  to go as planned, and I'm here to provide a guideline for that. So everybody get a date, and be ready to follow my lead. Set your phasers to love and let's begin.

Official Valentine's Guide 2014:

When the day comes, arrive early  to pick up your date. Like, really damn early. Park outside of their house at least 5 hours before you're scheduled to them pick up. You want them to know how eager you are. If they see you, which they almost definitely will, slouch down in your seat so you are no longer in view. Pop up with a surprised face every few minutes. Taa-daa, you are now participating in the world's most adorable game of peek-a-boo. This will be something you'll want to tell your future grandkids.

Those 5 or so hours are sure to fly by, and your date will soon be in your vehicle. Don't waste any time, immediately compliment her. But don't go for the clichés like "you look so pretty." Yawn. Girls pay lots of attention to minor details so be sure to touch on something that will pleasantly surprise her. Example; "Fuck, your calves look at least 40% more toned than usual. Remind me to take a picture of them later for my scrapbook. My scrapbook of defined calves." This is sure to showcase how attentive you are to every aspect of her being. She'll be left wondering how you'll possibly top that with the remainder of the evening. But you have many tricks up your sleeve. Some figurative, and some literal. Make sure to have big sleeves.

When you arrive at the restaurant, start by immediately ordering an appetizer. Doesn't matter what it is, as long as you make sure it's salad. Ask her what she would like, and when she tells you what she wants, order her the salad. You don't have time for her "mind-games." When it arrives, quickly  turn the first course into an eating competition. Shout "GO!" and eat that salad as fast as you can. Tell her that you can feel the nutrients strengthening you as you Hoover in the salad, and this only enables you to eat faster as you consume more. She'll have to keep up or taste defeat. You'll soon realize that the salad will have trouble going down the hatchet after a while. You'll need something to ease the process, like salad dressing. Pull a full bottle of salad dressing out of your sleeve and begin using it as chase for the leafy greens. It is at this point that she'll appear sick and dart for the bathroom. Don't be fooled though. She's making room for more salad. Finish it off and prepare for the rest of the evening.

When she returns, it will benefit you to set a mood with your linguistic prowess. Try setting a tone for the evening by talking about something that people associate with love. Like a beach. Everyone knows that beaches are known for relaxation and romanticism. Try to subtly invoke images of a beach in conversation. Example; "When I woke up this morning covered in cracker crumbs, it was like I was rolling amongst the sand on a beautiful beach. Like, there were so many crumbs. I needed a vacuum to remove all of the crumbs. Some of it may have been sand too, I don't really know. Fuck I need to do laundry." Can you imagine the effect this has on your potential mate? They are sent off to a Caribbean beach thanks to your words. If you keep this up, you may not have to eat crackers in your bed every night. This is what setting a tone does for you. It saves you money on crackers.

After conversation slows to a halt, look in her eyes. What do you see? You should see a woman left in amazement of how well the evening is going. She'll be speechless. The silence will intensify until you pull out a second bottle of salad dressing from your sleeve. Politely ask her if she would like to partake in sharing that dressing with you "Lady-and-the-Tramp style."  If all goes as planned she should utter these key words; "Take. Me. Home." Score. Look who's getting laid.

Allow her to enter the passenger seat of the vehicle, then proceed to stand outside for about 5 minutes. Don't use a watch to tell time, try using the relative position of the sun in the sky to approximate how long you've been waiting. When you feel it's appropriate, enter the vehicle with a charming laugh and say; "Good things come to those who wait!" She waited. And bam, there you are. A good thing. Heck, go ahead and call yourself a great thing. Out loud. Because confidence is key. But you need to drive back to her place to end the evening in style, and confidence is not the key that will start your vehicle. Pull the actual key out of your sleeves and stick that baby in the ignition. You're off. Be sure to purr like a cat the entire ride back to her place.

The rest of the night is up to you. I don't remember much after that because I woke up on her front lawn with a broken golf club beside me and a welt on my head the size of an avocado. Must've been a wild night.

Anyways, I hope this leaves you with enough to successfully navigate your valentine's adventure. After all, love is in the air. Love is the air. Breath love and you'll become it. Love the love that comes from above. "When push comes to shove, nothing feels better than feeling the love."- That's So Raven.

"You'll be in my heart..."- Phil Collins.