Public Speaking and You

Let's get this out in the open right away. This guide is not for the weak. The sole purpose is to turn those of you who are not confident with presentations, into those who will try to make their ENTIRE LIFE a presentation. You will live for it. What makes me qualified to write this? Simply put; moxie and gusto. Without further ado, here are the keys to success in the field of presenting.

Swallow many large mints about an hour before the presentation is scheduled to begin. This will enlarge the throat and make room for more words to come out. Bigger words. Words like 'idiosyncratic'. The less people understand you, the more they will want to understand you. In addition to the large throat, the mints will provide an aroma that will please the stingiest of nostrils if you should choose to burp or fart during your presentation.

Kick someone out of the room almost immediately. Anyone. See a face and get that face out. You need to set the tone for the presentation. You are the big boss-man in the room and people must respect that. Instill fear. When they are walking towards the exit, chase them out. It doesn't hurt your case if you froth at the mouth while doing so. After the presentation, find them for a brief apology. Explain to them that it's not your fault that they need a little more 'alone time with God' to 'repent for their sins'.

Act on raw animal instinct. We were all monkeys or deer or sheep at one point in time, and people strongly identify with behaviors performed by our animal counterparts. At least 40% of the population would gladly become a bear if the opportunity arose*. Incorporate these facts into your presentation and use them to guide the audience to your point. For example; if you would like the audience to see that your ideas are 'taking flight', run up and down any accessible aisles or stairs while spreading your arms and incessantly flapping.  See the bird, be the bird.

* no citation available

Utilize a power phrase. You need to get the people going. Rile them up. I found that saying a certain memorable phrase repeatedly gets the motor running like no other. My strategy? I pepper in the phrase "amirite?!" after almost every point I make. Say it once, twice, heck... say it three times to thoroughly drive a point home. People will not focus on proving you wrong at this point, you are confident that you can lead a crowd to agree with your ideas. That, more than facts, is the key to success. Amirite?!

Make history your bitch. As the old saying goes; "history is written by the winners." With this in mind, feel free to fabricate events that happened in the past to conform to your presentation. For example; "Abraham Lincoln loved that he could make studio quality music right on his iPad." He did, right? You can say stuff like that. Why? Because you are a winner. You control history. (Be sure to give the audience the appropriate utensils because they will eat this up)

Make your presentation the longest it can possibly be. This is really quite simple. You know how someone will go to a 3 hour movie and say to friend afterwards "wow, that movie I saw was 3 hours long!" And then their friend will say "wow, 3 hours!' Yeah. Because it's impressive. If anyone tries to leave early, get them to stay by focusing on hot-button issues. For example; "Sir, why are you leaving? Hmm? Your kids are hungry? Well guess what. So are pandas*. And pandas are almost extinct."

*pandas are the hot-button issue in this situation

Additional tips. Wear a sweater with a cat on the front. Legally change your name at least 4 times during the presentation.

With all of this in mind, you are ready to speak to the masses. Good luck. Amirite?!