Golf Tips

No one actually likes golf. Let's get that much out of the way. Professional golfers only do it because it pays better than pumping gas, I assume. 57% of people who play a round of golf didn't even plan to play. They just kind of wonder onto a course with clubs and say "Oh well, I guess this is happening."

 I golf on the odd occasion, but I see it as a way of warming up to the idea of my inevitable mortality. I mean, nothing says "I'm alive, yet aware of death " quite like yelling fuck-shit 117 times at 12 different clubs.

So, if golf happens to be happening in your general area, you might need some quick tips to help out your game. What a coincidence that I have some below. What are the odds.

1. Constantly remind everyone that you're playing golf.

The worst part of golf is when everyone hits their drives and then immediately and simultaneously forget that they're playing golf. The balls fly out of sight and the group starts walking forward, but in the time it takes to actually walk to your next shot the idea of golf quickly fades from memory. Are we hiking? Are we trespassing on a lawnmower-testing facility? Who knows.  

That's why you must take action and use your words to keep golf alive. Throw in some reminders every now and then to keep the group focused. Common golf-like phrases I go to are:

•  Look at us playing golf!
• What a fine day for golf.
• Why are we playing golf?
• Let's pick up our balls and put them in the holes with our hands so we can all just go home.
• Gulfff (golf,  said while drinking water)

2. Keep other various club-like items in the bag.

When I step on the course, in my bag, I carry no less than 12 clubs, 3 arrows, and a rolling pin.

Do I use anything other than the clubs? Rarely. But my opponents don't know that. Fear of the unknown is a powerful weapon and something tells me that in the back of their minds, before every shot, a little voice is saying "What is that guy planning to do with that 40 inch party sub. It's far too much food for one person and it's making a mess on his clubs." Yes it is, and yes it does. But I can easily peel salami off an 8 iron. You, on the other hand, can't take back the shot you just shanked into the trees while thinking about my sandwich distraction.

3. Have plenty of water at your disposal.

No, not for drinking. Are you unaware that we have about a thousand beverages that actually taste like something that you can drink instead? The water, in this case, is for pouring on your golf ball before your shots. Why? Science, that's why. I'll explain.

Think about a slip-and-slide. Now, imagine sliding the length of one with it being completely dry (okay you may stop imagining a very red and hurting man now). But as soon as water is introduced to the equation, you can slide farther and faster thanks to the reduced force of friction. Wait, farther and faster? Isn't that exactly what you'd want a golf ball to do? Obviously, yes.

4. You don't have to get the ball in the hole.

This is a common misconception about the sport where enjoyment is tied to the action of actually getting the ball into the hole. But truth be told; no one is forcing you to do that. There are no golf police to throw you in golf jail (which would just be playing more golf), so play the game how you prefer.

Say you hit a gorgeous drive. You then walk up to your ball, pull out the appropriate length of club and line up to take your second shot. But right before you do that, you pick up your ball and proceed to the next hole. Sounds crazy right? But it's not. If that one shot was enough to satisfy you for that hole, why take another. It just doesn't make sense. Quit while you're on top and move on.

Or, say you want to get your ball somewhere that isn't the hole. The hole isn't the only thing in the world, why should it get all the golf balls inside it. I do this on some holes with large bodies of water. People think I'm bad at golf when really, I'm just hitting a perfect shot into the big hole with water in it.

Rapid- fire tips:

•  tie your shoes together to form a stable base
• play "best ball" by seeing who has the nicest ball and then giving them the lowest score
• move to Holland
• always bring a tent*

*This is in reference to the infamous "1000 stroke game of '09." I started early in the morning but after taking hundreds and hundreds of shots, and spending many an hour looking for my ball in the trees, nightfall was quickly upon me. The temperature dropped as the night progressed and in order to survive  I buried myself in a sand bunker to conserve body heat. This is why I never golf without a tent and a healthy supply of military rations. And also why I'm banned from several municipal courses.

So there it is. When the creators of the game first, well, created the game, I bet they never would've guessed that golf could be so easily solved by one who rarely plays. Golf is the only sport where you get a better score by not even playing. Today I scored my lowest score ever. A zero. I did that by staying on a couch. So there, golf.