Drawing All NFL Logos From Memory (in Paint)

Being bored and having much to do, I did none of it and did this instead. This is my ode to the human memory. My recollection of emblems I see every single day of my life, yet retain so little of the detail. To the point where if I do try to let's say... draw them from memory, I quite simply cannot.

I live for the NFL. Show me a logo and I will instantly recognize it. Easy, right. But try to draw one of them without looking at it and you will know what confusion is. I knew what confusion was as soon as I tried to draw some of them, but instead ended up with some sort of Salvador Dali reject animal. Without further ado, here is something.

Note: I put the Logo beside my depiction afterwards, for easy comparison.

NFC NORTH

Minnesota Vikings: 

This was fairly easy. I have drawn it before, I see it at least 100 times a day. I'm surrounded by it, it's from my favourite team. The drawing is not perfect, but don't harp on me because I don't know the intricacies of the French braid. He looks kind of tired too, like the kind of tired you get from a few years of losing.

Green Bay Packers:

It's just a G. My most hated G mind you, as I was going to just draw a big poop but better judgement prevailed. Oh well.

Chicago Bears:

It's just a C. They have a bear logo, but it's an alternate one. The most common logo will be drawn even if the results are this boring. Kind of like watching the bears.

Detroit Lions:

This was the first point in this project where I realized I know what they look like, but not really. Poor lions. Or should I say jumping monkeys as this is a more accurate description of what I created. This logo also introduced the problems such as; which way does the logo face, how detailed are the logos, and "should I give up."  Hold on to your hats, it only gets worse.

NFC EAST

Dallas Cowboys:

Okay, I cheated on this one. I used the star tool on paint. I don't care.

New York Giants:

Yawn. I think I got this right, it's 2 letters. A little difference in the font but again, who cares. Moving on.

Philadelphia Eagles:

This is a really cool logo, which I got really wrong. The real logo is sloped a bit and you know, looks like an eagle. This one made me realize that details might as well not exist in my mind, as you are getting 6 lines that form a bird. Doesn't even matter which bird it is.

Washington Redskins:

A picture says a thousand words. This one doesn't say any good words. My depiction also has more than twice as many feathers as the actual logo, 10x as much mouth, and 1000x less forehead. This is the first one that I feel like apologizing for. I am sorry.

NFC SOUTH

New Orleans Saints:

I don't remember what a fleur du lis looks like, but it's a French thing that doesn't look like this. It also doesn't have veins like a leaf, I drew an underdeveloped maple leaf. 

Atlanta Falcons:

I went to a high school where the falcon was our logo. This should mean I can draw a good falcon logo, right? Nope! Mine looks like someone stabbed a seal with a Ruffles potato chip.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers:

This is the one logo that I just couldn't for the life of me remember. That's why it looks like the raiders logo's cowboy brother who got lost at sea. The real logo is a flag with a skull on it. This one has zero of either of them. I feel like I should send a handwritten apology to all Buccaneer fans. Which shouldn't take long, as there are only about 3 of them.

Carolina Panthers:

I... don't know. Cat pig? Not even close. Screw animal logos for the remainder of this article.

NFC WEST

San Francisco 49ers:

I like the 49ers. You wouldn't know that from this. I drew the alternate logo, kind of. This more difficult of a task than I once thought.

Seattle Seahawks:

I do not like the Seahawks. The real logo has a larger eye and none of the lines I put in the back. I wished I fucked up this logo even more badly, I do not like the Seahawks.

St. Louis Rams:

Okay, I sort of like this one. The horn looks mighty fine. I give myself a passable grade, Which in this case is still like a 51. You're not proud of it, it's not going on the fridge, but it's still technically a pass.

Arizona Cardinals:

What happened to any angry birds characters that got rejected from being put in the game? Well, they got transferred into my mind as what I think the cardinals logo is.

AFC NORTH:

Pittsburgh Steelers:

Person: Hey, who threw 3 throwing stars in the toilet?

Creator of the Steelers logo: It was me.

Dialogue aside, I forgot to put the word "Steelers" beside the stars, which are all supposed to be the same size. I messed up here to no one's surprise.

Baltimore Ravens:

The Ravens have my permission if they would like to switch to this logo. Just, let me know Baltimore.

Cincinnati Bengals:

The letter B with pinstripes. Rad. They have two other logos that are actually Bengal tigers, yet they settle for this. This logo is the visual equivalent of losing every year in the wild card round. How fitting.

Cleveland Browns:

AFC EAST:

New England Patriots:

Johnny Bravo in a wind tunnel meets Captain America.

Buffalo Bills:

Who's that Pokemon? A swollen head dog? No, it's maybe the Bill's logo. Again, I remembered the alternate logo for whatever reason. The reason being I'm stupid.

New York Jets:

J E T S... forgets forgets forgets... the NY and the ball. Mine looks like the logo of a gas station you avoid because the truckers that hang around it harass you while you're in the bathroom.

Miami Dolphins:

So close. I forgot the sun and that it's not a skinny manatee.

AFC West:

Denver Broncos:

Now welcoming to the field; The Denver Confused Chinese Anteaters.

San Diego Chargers:

It's actually good, regardless of what you say. 

Kansas City Chiefs:

"I did it. I gave Dory from Finding Nemo the tattoo of 'KC'"... It's supposed to be an arrowhead.

Oakland Raiders:

I almost put in the Buccaneers' logo again. I think I did this one okay though. He's smiling even though he got stabbed twice through skull. There's supposed to be a shield around it, and he's supposed to be wearing a helmet too. But most Raiders fans wear bandannas anyway in my mind so you can understand where I'm coming from here. 

AFC SOUTH:

Indianapolis Colts:

Finally, an easy one. Anyone can draw a toilet bowl with aeration holes for when you get sweaty taking a poo. I mean, a horseshoe. Side note: I just realized that horseshoes are a symbol of luck and that their quarterback is also Luck. Whoa... moving on.

Houston Texans:

Simple. Elegant. Nothing like what it's supposed to be. The real logo is shifted to the right and has a star for an eye. I still like mine. 

Tennessee Titans:

It's like I started putting effort into drawing the real thing but then stopped because the Titans are not worth my time. Wait, that's almost exactly it.

Jacksonville Jaguars:

Hahahahahaha... Christ... just kill it. This is the panthers logo I drew that got hit by a car.

[FIN]

Golf Tips

No one actually likes golf. Let's get that much out of the way. Professional golfers only do it because it pays better than pumping gas, I assume. 57% of people who play a round of golf didn't even plan to play. They just kind of wonder onto a course with clubs and say "Oh well, I guess this is happening."

 I golf on the odd occasion, but I see it as a way of warming up to the idea of my inevitable mortality. I mean, nothing says "I'm alive, yet aware of death " quite like yelling fuck-shit 117 times at 12 different clubs.

So, if golf happens to be happening in your general area, you might need some quick tips to help out your game. What a coincidence that I have some below. What are the odds.

1. Constantly remind everyone that you're playing golf.

The worst part of golf is when everyone hits their drives and then immediately and simultaneously forget that they're playing golf. The balls fly out of sight and the group starts walking forward, but in the time it takes to actually walk to your next shot the idea of golf quickly fades from memory. Are we hiking? Are we trespassing on a lawnmower-testing facility? Who knows.  

That's why you must take action and use your words to keep golf alive. Throw in some reminders every now and then to keep the group focused. Common golf-like phrases I go to are:

•  Look at us playing golf!
• What a fine day for golf.
• Why are we playing golf?
• Let's pick up our balls and put them in the holes with our hands so we can all just go home.
• Gulfff (golf,  said while drinking water)

2. Keep other various club-like items in the bag.

When I step on the course, in my bag, I carry no less than 12 clubs, 3 arrows, and a rolling pin.

Do I use anything other than the clubs? Rarely. But my opponents don't know that. Fear of the unknown is a powerful weapon and something tells me that in the back of their minds, before every shot, a little voice is saying "What is that guy planning to do with that 40 inch party sub. It's far too much food for one person and it's making a mess on his clubs." Yes it is, and yes it does. But I can easily peel salami off an 8 iron. You, on the other hand, can't take back the shot you just shanked into the trees while thinking about my sandwich distraction.

3. Have plenty of water at your disposal.

No, not for drinking. Are you unaware that we have about a thousand beverages that actually taste like something that you can drink instead? The water, in this case, is for pouring on your golf ball before your shots. Why? Science, that's why. I'll explain.

Think about a slip-and-slide. Now, imagine sliding the length of one with it being completely dry (okay you may stop imagining a very red and hurting man now). But as soon as water is introduced to the equation, you can slide farther and faster thanks to the reduced force of friction. Wait, farther and faster? Isn't that exactly what you'd want a golf ball to do? Obviously, yes.

4. You don't have to get the ball in the hole.

This is a common misconception about the sport where enjoyment is tied to the action of actually getting the ball into the hole. But truth be told; no one is forcing you to do that. There are no golf police to throw you in golf jail (which would just be playing more golf), so play the game how you prefer.

Say you hit a gorgeous drive. You then walk up to your ball, pull out the appropriate length of club and line up to take your second shot. But right before you do that, you pick up your ball and proceed to the next hole. Sounds crazy right? But it's not. If that one shot was enough to satisfy you for that hole, why take another. It just doesn't make sense. Quit while you're on top and move on.

Or, say you want to get your ball somewhere that isn't the hole. The hole isn't the only thing in the world, why should it get all the golf balls inside it. I do this on some holes with large bodies of water. People think I'm bad at golf when really, I'm just hitting a perfect shot into the big hole with water in it.

Rapid- fire tips:

•  tie your shoes together to form a stable base
• play "best ball" by seeing who has the nicest ball and then giving them the lowest score
• move to Holland
• always bring a tent*

*This is in reference to the infamous "1000 stroke game of '09." I started early in the morning but after taking hundreds and hundreds of shots, and spending many an hour looking for my ball in the trees, nightfall was quickly upon me. The temperature dropped as the night progressed and in order to survive  I buried myself in a sand bunker to conserve body heat. This is why I never golf without a tent and a healthy supply of military rations. And also why I'm banned from several municipal courses.

So there it is. When the creators of the game first, well, created the game, I bet they never would've guessed that golf could be so easily solved by one who rarely plays. Golf is the only sport where you get a better score by not even playing. Today I scored my lowest score ever. A zero. I did that by staying on a couch. So there, golf.

Official Valentine's Guide 2014

With Valentine's day upcoming, I thought it'd be nice of me to impart wisdom upon you all and give you a month to properly study it. Obviously everybody wants their evenings  to go as planned, and I'm here to provide a guideline for that. So everybody get a date, and be ready to follow my lead. Set your phasers to love and let's begin.

Official Valentine's Guide 2014:

When the day comes, arrive early  to pick up your date. Like, really damn early. Park outside of their house at least 5 hours before you're scheduled to them pick up. You want them to know how eager you are. If they see you, which they almost definitely will, slouch down in your seat so you are no longer in view. Pop up with a surprised face every few minutes. Taa-daa, you are now participating in the world's most adorable game of peek-a-boo. This will be something you'll want to tell your future grandkids.

Those 5 or so hours are sure to fly by, and your date will soon be in your vehicle. Don't waste any time, immediately compliment her. But don't go for the clichés like "you look so pretty." Yawn. Girls pay lots of attention to minor details so be sure to touch on something that will pleasantly surprise her. Example; "Fuck, your calves look at least 40% more toned than usual. Remind me to take a picture of them later for my scrapbook. My scrapbook of defined calves." This is sure to showcase how attentive you are to every aspect of her being. She'll be left wondering how you'll possibly top that with the remainder of the evening. But you have many tricks up your sleeve. Some figurative, and some literal. Make sure to have big sleeves.

When you arrive at the restaurant, start by immediately ordering an appetizer. Doesn't matter what it is, as long as you make sure it's salad. Ask her what she would like, and when she tells you what she wants, order her the salad. You don't have time for her "mind-games." When it arrives, quickly  turn the first course into an eating competition. Shout "GO!" and eat that salad as fast as you can. Tell her that you can feel the nutrients strengthening you as you Hoover in the salad, and this only enables you to eat faster as you consume more. She'll have to keep up or taste defeat. You'll soon realize that the salad will have trouble going down the hatchet after a while. You'll need something to ease the process, like salad dressing. Pull a full bottle of salad dressing out of your sleeve and begin using it as chase for the leafy greens. It is at this point that she'll appear sick and dart for the bathroom. Don't be fooled though. She's making room for more salad. Finish it off and prepare for the rest of the evening.

When she returns, it will benefit you to set a mood with your linguistic prowess. Try setting a tone for the evening by talking about something that people associate with love. Like a beach. Everyone knows that beaches are known for relaxation and romanticism. Try to subtly invoke images of a beach in conversation. Example; "When I woke up this morning covered in cracker crumbs, it was like I was rolling amongst the sand on a beautiful beach. Like, there were so many crumbs. I needed a vacuum to remove all of the crumbs. Some of it may have been sand too, I don't really know. Fuck I need to do laundry." Can you imagine the effect this has on your potential mate? They are sent off to a Caribbean beach thanks to your words. If you keep this up, you may not have to eat crackers in your bed every night. This is what setting a tone does for you. It saves you money on crackers.

After conversation slows to a halt, look in her eyes. What do you see? You should see a woman left in amazement of how well the evening is going. She'll be speechless. The silence will intensify until you pull out a second bottle of salad dressing from your sleeve. Politely ask her if she would like to partake in sharing that dressing with you "Lady-and-the-Tramp style."  If all goes as planned she should utter these key words; "Take. Me. Home." Score. Look who's getting laid.

Allow her to enter the passenger seat of the vehicle, then proceed to stand outside for about 5 minutes. Don't use a watch to tell time, try using the relative position of the sun in the sky to approximate how long you've been waiting. When you feel it's appropriate, enter the vehicle with a charming laugh and say; "Good things come to those who wait!" She waited. And bam, there you are. A good thing. Heck, go ahead and call yourself a great thing. Out loud. Because confidence is key. But you need to drive back to her place to end the evening in style, and confidence is not the key that will start your vehicle. Pull the actual key out of your sleeves and stick that baby in the ignition. You're off. Be sure to purr like a cat the entire ride back to her place.

The rest of the night is up to you. I don't remember much after that because I woke up on her front lawn with a broken golf club beside me and a welt on my head the size of an avocado. Must've been a wild night.

Anyways, I hope this leaves you with enough to successfully navigate your valentine's adventure. After all, love is in the air. Love is the air. Breath love and you'll become it. Love the love that comes from above. "When push comes to shove, nothing feels better than feeling the love."- That's So Raven.

"You'll be in my heart..."- Phil Collins.

Public Speaking and You

Let's get this out in the open right away. This guide is not for the weak. The sole purpose is to turn those of you who are not confident with presentations, into those who will try to make their ENTIRE LIFE a presentation. You will live for it. What makes me qualified to write this? Simply put; moxie and gusto. Without further ado, here are the keys to success in the field of presenting.

Swallow many large mints about an hour before the presentation is scheduled to begin. This will enlarge the throat and make room for more words to come out. Bigger words. Words like 'idiosyncratic'. The less people understand you, the more they will want to understand you. In addition to the large throat, the mints will provide an aroma that will please the stingiest of nostrils if you should choose to burp or fart during your presentation.

Kick someone out of the room almost immediately. Anyone. See a face and get that face out. You need to set the tone for the presentation. You are the big boss-man in the room and people must respect that. Instill fear. When they are walking towards the exit, chase them out. It doesn't hurt your case if you froth at the mouth while doing so. After the presentation, find them for a brief apology. Explain to them that it's not your fault that they need a little more 'alone time with God' to 'repent for their sins'.

Act on raw animal instinct. We were all monkeys or deer or sheep at one point in time, and people strongly identify with behaviors performed by our animal counterparts. At least 40% of the population would gladly become a bear if the opportunity arose*. Incorporate these facts into your presentation and use them to guide the audience to your point. For example; if you would like the audience to see that your ideas are 'taking flight', run up and down any accessible aisles or stairs while spreading your arms and incessantly flapping.  See the bird, be the bird.

* no citation available

Utilize a power phrase. You need to get the people going. Rile them up. I found that saying a certain memorable phrase repeatedly gets the motor running like no other. My strategy? I pepper in the phrase "amirite?!" after almost every point I make. Say it once, twice, heck... say it three times to thoroughly drive a point home. People will not focus on proving you wrong at this point, you are confident that you can lead a crowd to agree with your ideas. That, more than facts, is the key to success. Amirite?!

Make history your bitch. As the old saying goes; "history is written by the winners." With this in mind, feel free to fabricate events that happened in the past to conform to your presentation. For example; "Abraham Lincoln loved that he could make studio quality music right on his iPad." He did, right? You can say stuff like that. Why? Because you are a winner. You control history. (Be sure to give the audience the appropriate utensils because they will eat this up)

Make your presentation the longest it can possibly be. This is really quite simple. You know how someone will go to a 3 hour movie and say to friend afterwards "wow, that movie I saw was 3 hours long!" And then their friend will say "wow, 3 hours!' Yeah. Because it's impressive. If anyone tries to leave early, get them to stay by focusing on hot-button issues. For example; "Sir, why are you leaving? Hmm? Your kids are hungry? Well guess what. So are pandas*. And pandas are almost extinct."

*pandas are the hot-button issue in this situation

Additional tips. Wear a sweater with a cat on the front. Legally change your name at least 4 times during the presentation.

With all of this in mind, you are ready to speak to the masses. Good luck. Amirite?!

Formal Resignation for Wendy's Restaurant

Hey,

I know I've informally done this approximately 23000 times, but this time it's real. It is with some disappointment that I submit to you my resignation. This is my two week's notice.

It's time for a change I guess. Time for me to explore other options. Not necessarily any better or brighter at the moment, but different nonetheless. After 3 and a half years of employment, it's time for me to spread my wings, put my best foot forward, and then swim through the sea of potential employment. Or, if I wanted to, I could actually just sit in a field all day. And while I sit there I could dig through the snow and uncover the grass, long dead from the cold. Using my residual body heat, I could try and bring it back to life. Not saying I will pursue that option, but it's there.

It's just that lately; things have soured, like a lemon. But not in a good way, like a good lemon. I think I had a good thing going for a while. Both open shifts on the weekend worked for me. My weekend shifts were special. Collectively, they were like a child to me. Now my child has been cut in half , with half being taken out of my custody. Do you know how to be a parent to half of a child? I do not. I am not half of a parent. Please do not ever cut me in half.

But in my leaving, let's remember the good times. Which were... there. I'm sure. I started a fryer-fire once, which was pretty cool albeit scary and dangerous. To this day I still claim to be a volunteer firefighter. I got to feel the raw power and prowess of the extinguisher in action. I wouldn't have had that opportunity if not for Wendy's restaurant. So I'll remember the good. And the people who made my time of employment at Wendy's restaurant enjoyable.

I can work whatever shifts I get on the next schedule. That is assuming any are given to me. Much thank-you's.

P.S.- I am still very much in favor of company shorts.

P.P.S.- If  that idea ever takes flight, I assume 100% of the credit.

P.P.P.S.- Let my leg-acy live on (Get it? Because you'd see a whole lot more leg if we had shorts)

Yours truly,

JoshuaVan Schie  

Jorsh

TLC Show Pitches

Unbelievable television. It's what the people want. And goddammit, TLC is gonna give it to you. Child pageants, trailer park families, parents who should've used 16 more condoms, etc. If you can name it, TLC probably exploits it for ratings.

But what happens when the well runs dry? What happens when TLC isn't so tender-love-and-caring to it's viewers? What happens when you eat dry ice*? That's where I come in, with some brand new shows to satisfy the craving for subpar television.

* denotes a question that is purely for my curiosity.

TLC… take note.

Show #1: Ghost Odor: an Investigation In Paranormal Showering.

Description: Led by an expert ghost hunter, a team of investigators attempt to find out why some ghosts smell, and some do not.

Show #2: Blind Nascar: Feel the Road…Or Feel the Wall.

Description: 200 mph of sight-free racing. The visually impaired must navigate the high-speed turns at neck-break speed in order to taste, smell, hear, and touch victory.

Show #3: Government Gone Wild: Furry, Feisty, and For the People.

Description: A rag-tag campaign team attempts to get a small clan of badgers elected to congress. Look as these tiny polititions strive to prove that humans aren't the only mammal incapable of running a country.

Show #4: Eating a Bicycle: The Quest to Consume a Bicycle.

Description: Watch as a man tries to eat a bicycle.

Show #5: Swapfari: A Tour of the Concrete Jungle.

Description: Safaris are fun, but it's time we give back. Watch as our tour guide drives a vehicle full of large African game through the busy streets of New York City. Chaos ensues as we quickly realize this is an awful idea.

There they are TLC. Pay me handsomely and these top-notch ideas can be yours. I've gotta go. It's time to start filming. Now... where's that bicycle…

Wendy's New Commercials

Advertising. Commercials. The American dream. Sell me stuff and I will buy it. Show me the stuff you're selling and I will consider buying it and then buy it. Let your advertising be an invisible hand that guides me to the product you are trying to sell. Ensure the invisible hand will not become the overlord of my nightmares. Do not let the hand take me away from those I love. They wouldn't understand. Please. Commercials... Advertising.

If I were to compile a list of the 100 greatest commercials of all-time, there would be a lot of commercials on that list. 100 of them, actually. I could do the same list but change the time period, and there would still be 100 commercials on that list. I will not change the number. In my opinion, 100 is the only number that should exist. But that's a story for another time. You can square root it, and it's used for percentages. But again, another time.

The thing is, if you decided to examine the list, you'd notice a certain fast-food restaurant does not appear on that list. Any of the lists. Wendy's. Home of the old fashioned hambugler.

Why is that, you ask? Why are there no commercials from Wendy's on the list? Is there something wrong with them? Is there something wrong with me? Do foxes and wolves live together? It seems like they could be good friends? Let me put my finger to your mouth and shush you. I'm about to clear up like half of that.

I remember seeing a Wendy's commercial once. A little part of me died that day. The part responsible for dreams. I don't want to say they're bad, but we all have to do things we don't want to do. They're bad. I do not like them. There. I said it.

Judge for yourself, but you will see that you agree with me. You will see the commercials are bad. You will see that the list is good. You will tell me that and validate me as a human being. You will notice all the bad that they crammed into these short segments of seemingly harmless advertising. Trust me. I am not here to hurt you. I'm told that I am nice. "Help your cat out of a tree" nice, "after I put it there" nice.

But I can't be nice about this. The acting gives me pain. The ideas behind the commercials give me more pain. I would not be friends with Wendy in real life. Which is actually a large portion of what I look for in a commercial. Would I be friends with the characters. I might talk to Wendy. Go for coffee every now and then. But no bowling. Never bowling.

So let's get to it. There's a revolution underhand in the commercial world. In the battlefield of corporate competition, I am Mel Gibson charging forward on a horse made of good commercials. I am in pursuit of freedom... and better commercials. In the spirit of this talk, I will now pitch you some commercials. Let me bear my organs to you as you wind them up on a large wooden real. Admire my organs. My organs are commercials.

1: Ghost of Wendy's past.

We open with a panning view of a McDonalds restaurant. It's night. The viewers can imply that if you go to McDonald's, the sun will go away . As a continuous stream of no cars enter the McDonald's drive-thru, there's a rustling in a nearby dumpster. You see a head.

It is at this point we flash a quick frame of a baconator. Now, the viewers know they want something, but what is it. This near unseen method of subliminal advertising is known as moistening the chops.

The head emerges. Followed by a body. The body is attached to the head. The body/head combination commonly known as a person climbs out of the dumpster covered in trash. It is Wendy's founder Dave Thomas. He looks at the camera, and with the lost look of an amnesia patient says "I unfreeze the chicken with my body heat".

He slowly meanders across the parking lot to the McDonald's. As he approaches he unsheathes his spatula. The one he takes pictures with while flexing. A time lapse then shows him slowly beating down the McDonald's restaurant with the spatula. It doesn't work.

How is Dave Thomas alive. He was dead right. Right, kind of. We flash to a graveyard. The camera slowly pans up to a grave. It reads "Here lies Dave Thomas; we will never stop eating your meat Dave. It is too good". Just as he'd want to be remembered. We see the ground in front of the gravestone, it is dug up. Something has been removed. Possibly a body. This is where the viewer makes the connection that this is related to the first half of the commercial.

Off to the side, we see a baconator. And what's that on the ground beside it. A spade shovel. We want the viewer to know that Wendy's will bring you back from the dead. The screen fades to black and we are left with "Wendy's". This commercial will be 45 minutes long.

2. Prom

We open on a shot of a girl, sitting in a chair in front of her mirror. It is prom night. The night that all high scholars anticipate, and so she is excited. She has everything ready. Her hair, perfection. Her dress, the one she's always dreamed of. The boy of her dreams, picking her up in 15 minutes. Nothing could ruin this night. It's too good to be true.

But it is. She shrieks in terror as she realizes that she has completely neglected her makeup. Not one makeup has touched her face. How is she supposed to present herself as herself, if she's not being not herself. Good question. Bad wording but, good question. She can't. She simply can't. Panic sets in.

We see a nineteen-eighties style montage of her thinking of what to do. The song playing is 'more than a feeling'. Because nausea is, more than a feeling. The montage is different shots of her, just sitting there. The montage is completely unnecessary.

All of a sudden, with the clock ticking down, we see a shot of her in the mirror. Smirking. A smug grin that says "I'm about to do something." And guess what, does something she do. In from the bottom of the screen, we see her hand slowly and triumphantly rise towards her face. Holding none other than... a Wendy's classic single with cheese.

Maintaining the smug grin, she presses the single cheeseburger to her face and rubs it in a circle motion, all over her face. The ketchup, mayo, cheese, and pickles all swirl around in a circle-like fashion. She stops, looks at what she has done, and sighs. It's... perfect.

What we are convey to the viewer is the idea of dreams. And that Wendy's will fulfill any and every dream you possibly have. The viewer now knows that anything is possible when you choke down some good old Wendy's food. The screen fades to black. Wendy's.

Before the commercial is through, we see the classic scene where the girl makes her way down the stairs. Slowly, each graceful step descends her to the ground floor as she lightly grips the handrail. With her Wendy's applied to her face she smiles. The camera flips to the boy waiting at the bottom. Smiling. Licking his lips.

And that's it... for now. This will be an ongoing process. Continually adding new, exciting, possibly erotic ideas to the Wendy's advertising arsenal. Stay tuned.